(If swearing offends you, don't read.) Dear Eliana......

Dear Eliana,

I am supposed to be composing a mature, well thought-out letter to you and your boss about our phone conversation today. But, instead, I am writing THIS because this is really what I want to say to you:

What the fuck were you thinking, you stupid bitch!?! And, who the fuck do you think I am!?! I am not paying your fucking $114 bill. After I specifically told your scheduler, your receptionist, the nurse, the doctor and the nurse again that I did not want those services, that I just wanted the god-damned shot, you went ahead and billed my insurance company anyway for those said services that I refused. The insurance company won't pay for this (like I already told all of the other dip-shits at your office) and this is the second time I am telling you that I am not going to pay.

I told you and your henchmen that if you could not accommodate me, no big deal. I'll just go to the county clinic and pay $40 for the shot and be done with it. You all said, "No problem, Mrs. Bajpai. Come on in....blah, fucking blah, blah, blah." So, when I reminded you, Eliana, of this today you said, "You should have gone to the health clinic. But I am telling you, your children would have nightmares into their adulthood by going there. I was a single mom with no insurance and had to take my son their when he was a boy. To this day he is traumatized and shakes his fist at the county health building whenever he drives by. If you want to do that to your children, go ahead." Whoa. Had she and her son been teleported to a government-run health hovel somewhere in Africa?

Then you go on to tell me that you have worked at this same clinic for 10 years and that never, ever in your work experience have you had to explain to a parent that all of these other services were necessary and that billing for those services has never been a problem. You said that all other parents 'got' the necessity of those services. Your tone implied that I was functioning at the level of someone with a low IQ (possibly lower than yours), and in fact you had never met someone quite as retarded as myself. Maybe, Eliana, you just haven't yet met a parent who actually questions the services that their children receive? Welcome to the New Millennium, madame. We will not be bullied or coerced by you or anyone else who deems themselves to be in authority.

When I explained that once-upon-a-time in Portland (mistake), our pediatrician up there was able to provide the same exact service I requested without doing all of these other exams, you said, and I quote, "Well, Ma'am, you aren't in Portland anymore. I don't know how they do things up in Portland but what they did was illegal. In Salem we don't do things like that. We follow the law. And in Salem we care about folks, not like up in Portland." Do you have any idea how small-minded, ignorant and utterly bucolic you sound? YOU, Eliana, sum up why I so dreaded the move to Salem. Have you ever been out of Salem, even for a day?

Eliana, I have to tell you, I called my insurance company again (because I have so much free time with not much to do because I am so retarded) to chat about the bill, which they think looks "fishy" by the way. When I told the insurance company lady about your statement of "them-thar folks up on Portland doin' them illegal activities", she said, "WHAT!?! That is standard protocol and not illegal at all! The way [Eliana's Company] is doing things is not the norm." So, take that, you litigious bitch.

A few years back we were having a lot of problems with a particular phone company that I will call "Mobili-T". We had so many problems with their poor customer service, in fact, that for a couple of months every time ANYTHING pissed me off I would call their customer service line just to bitch about whatever. For example, let's say I was having a bad day and the straw that broke the camel's back was a driver that nearly side-swiped me. I would pick up my phone, dial 611 and wait for customer service to answer. When they would ask how I was doing I would say, "I'm doing awful. This stupid-ass driver almost hit me and my son and I really hate your piece-of-shit phone and your shitty service and I'm pissed that I am stuck in a contract with you. Blah, blah, blah." They would just listen, then apologize and give me 10 free minutes a month. This is what I want to do with you, Eliana. Every time I have a crappy day I think I will call YOUR direct line and tell you about what a crappy day it is and that I'm still pissed about your crappy service.

These are only snippets of our conversation today. Snippets, I tell you. I could go on and on about the all of the other disparaging and belittling comments you made. However, quite frankly, I'm getting tired and don't want to waste another ounce of energy on you.

Oh, Eliana, how am I going to be able to compose and succinct and mature letter tomorrow, one that airs my grievances towards you? It would have been so much easier for everyone if you would have just said, "Yeah, I feel your pain sister. $114 is a week's worth of groceries, I know. Let me see if we can find another way to bill this again."

Thank you, dear reader, for lending an 'ear'. Now I can go to bed and catch some sleep so that I look radiant tomorrow night when I see all of the really cool, important people with big minds who live in Salem.