(If swearing offends you, don't read.) Dear Eliana......

Dear Eliana,

I am supposed to be composing a mature, well thought-out letter to you and your boss about our phone conversation today. But, instead, I am writing THIS because this is really what I want to say to you:

What the fuck were you thinking, you stupid bitch!?! And, who the fuck do you think I am!?! I am not paying your fucking $114 bill. After I specifically told your scheduler, your receptionist, the nurse, the doctor and the nurse again that I did not want those services, that I just wanted the god-damned shot, you went ahead and billed my insurance company anyway for those said services that I refused. The insurance company won't pay for this (like I already told all of the other dip-shits at your office) and this is the second time I am telling you that I am not going to pay.

I told you and your henchmen that if you could not accommodate me, no big deal. I'll just go to the county clinic and pay $40 for the shot and be done with it. You all said, "No problem, Mrs. Bajpai. Come on in....blah, fucking blah, blah, blah." So, when I reminded you, Eliana, of this today you said, "You should have gone to the health clinic. But I am telling you, your children would have nightmares into their adulthood by going there. I was a single mom with no insurance and had to take my son their when he was a boy. To this day he is traumatized and shakes his fist at the county health building whenever he drives by. If you want to do that to your children, go ahead." Whoa. Had she and her son been teleported to a government-run health hovel somewhere in Africa?

Then you go on to tell me that you have worked at this same clinic for 10 years and that never, ever in your work experience have you had to explain to a parent that all of these other services were necessary and that billing for those services has never been a problem. You said that all other parents 'got' the necessity of those services. Your tone implied that I was functioning at the level of someone with a low IQ (possibly lower than yours), and in fact you had never met someone quite as retarded as myself. Maybe, Eliana, you just haven't yet met a parent who actually questions the services that their children receive? Welcome to the New Millennium, madame. We will not be bullied or coerced by you or anyone else who deems themselves to be in authority.

When I explained that once-upon-a-time in Portland (mistake), our pediatrician up there was able to provide the same exact service I requested without doing all of these other exams, you said, and I quote, "Well, Ma'am, you aren't in Portland anymore. I don't know how they do things up in Portland but what they did was illegal. In Salem we don't do things like that. We follow the law. And in Salem we care about folks, not like up in Portland." Do you have any idea how small-minded, ignorant and utterly bucolic you sound? YOU, Eliana, sum up why I so dreaded the move to Salem. Have you ever been out of Salem, even for a day?

Eliana, I have to tell you, I called my insurance company again (because I have so much free time with not much to do because I am so retarded) to chat about the bill, which they think looks "fishy" by the way. When I told the insurance company lady about your statement of "them-thar folks up on Portland doin' them illegal activities", she said, "WHAT!?! That is standard protocol and not illegal at all! The way [Eliana's Company] is doing things is not the norm." So, take that, you litigious bitch.

A few years back we were having a lot of problems with a particular phone company that I will call "Mobili-T". We had so many problems with their poor customer service, in fact, that for a couple of months every time ANYTHING pissed me off I would call their customer service line just to bitch about whatever. For example, let's say I was having a bad day and the straw that broke the camel's back was a driver that nearly side-swiped me. I would pick up my phone, dial 611 and wait for customer service to answer. When they would ask how I was doing I would say, "I'm doing awful. This stupid-ass driver almost hit me and my son and I really hate your piece-of-shit phone and your shitty service and I'm pissed that I am stuck in a contract with you. Blah, blah, blah." They would just listen, then apologize and give me 10 free minutes a month. This is what I want to do with you, Eliana. Every time I have a crappy day I think I will call YOUR direct line and tell you about what a crappy day it is and that I'm still pissed about your crappy service.

These are only snippets of our conversation today. Snippets, I tell you. I could go on and on about the all of the other disparaging and belittling comments you made. However, quite frankly, I'm getting tired and don't want to waste another ounce of energy on you.

Oh, Eliana, how am I going to be able to compose and succinct and mature letter tomorrow, one that airs my grievances towards you? It would have been so much easier for everyone if you would have just said, "Yeah, I feel your pain sister. $114 is a week's worth of groceries, I know. Let me see if we can find another way to bill this again."

Thank you, dear reader, for lending an 'ear'. Now I can go to bed and catch some sleep so that I look radiant tomorrow night when I see all of the really cool, important people with big minds who live in Salem.

"What is Modern Dance?", you ask..........

Since my last post I have had many people ask me, "So, what exactly is Modern dance?" Ok, so maybe it hasn't been "many" people, more like 5 or 6. Considering I didn't realize that that many people read my blog, it seems like a lot.

Yes, what is Modern dance? A very good question. Basically, at the end of the 19th Century dancers in Europe and the U.S. started to rebel against Classical Ballet. It was deemed too constraining, too rigid, etc. These rogue dancers shed their pointe shoes and tutus and began a whole new movement of dance, with its own set of rules and techniques. Modern dance, at the time, was described as more of a free-style, expressionist type of dance and was greatly inspired by the ancient classical dances of India.

A few names you may (or may not) recognize are Martha Graham, Isadora Duncan, Ruth St. Denis, Ted Shawn, Merce Cunningham, Charles Weidman....... - Oh my goodness, I am getting way to giddy typing this list of pioneers of Modern and Post-Modern Dance - must...stop...now.

This is just a brief history of the very beginnings of Modern Dance. Today there are many different techniques that have inadvertently become just as rigid and as constraining as Classical Ballet.

Most community Modern Dance classes today are a hodgepodge of the different techniques and styles. Here is a short clip of the kind of stuff that we do in the class that I am taking:

The Dance

I am going to ramble and be disjointed and disorganized in my writing. Please forgive me.

Dance. Ah, sweet dance. One of the great constants of my life. I didn't actually start taking ballet until I was 12 years old, pretty late for an aspiring ballerina to start dancing. At my first class, however, I was bit by the bug and have been hooked ever since.

I have been blessed to study under some very talented dancers, some of whom were great teachers and some of whom were not. Regardless, being in their presence and knowing what they had accomplished as dancers greatly inspired me.

I was strictly a ballet dancer all through junior high and high school. I was never a great dancer, but good enough. I did, however, have incredible arches in my feet and teachers loved them while other dancers were green with envy. One of my teachers nicknamed my feet The Golden Arches.

My freshman year of college I received a scholarship and did an apprenticeship with Ballet Oregon (which later merged with Portland Ballet and became what is now the Oregon Ballet Theatre). That was also the same year that I took my first Modern dance class.

I think that the Modern dance class threw me into some kind of an identity crisis (for lack of a better term) with regards to my thoughts on dance and the dance world. I was so consumed with ballet for so many years that the modern classes tripped me up and spun me around on my head, literally and figuratively.

By spring term that year I had quit my formal ballet training and just took dance classes at the college. Who knows where I might be today if I would have stayed at Ballet Oregon and continued with my apprenticeship at the professional level.

"Just taking dance classes at the college" opened up some doors for me and gave me some experiences that I might not have otherwise had. I got paid $25/hour for several photo shoots modeling ballet garb. That was a lot of money to a poor college kid back in the late 80s. I was introduced to "liturgical dance" and performed with a troupe that recreated religious and folk dances from the Middle Ages. We performed all around town during Easter. We filmed the whole performance at Cable Access in Portland and to this day it can sometimes be seen on t.v. during Easter. Dance of the Angels; look for it. There were several other projects/performances that I got to be a part of that ended up being on t.v. and received write-ups in the paper. I even dabbled in jazz and folk dance.

When I transferred to the University of Oregon I immediately enrolled in ballet and modern classes. I received a minor in dance so I not only took dance classes, but also dance history, theory, staging and lighting, etc. I have so many fond memories of my dance experiences there.

So, fast forward 15 years, 2 kids and 40 pounds. I've been missing dance like crazy the past few years. I keep putting it off because 'I am too fat', 'I am too old', 'It is too expensive', 'I don't have consistent child care', or insert whatever other excuse you can come up with. However, I bit the bullet and signed up for a modern dance class at the YMCA. It is just a 4 week summer session class, so it is a good way for me to get my feet wet and see if I still have it in me. I have discovered that I definitely still have it in me.

It does kick my ass, though. What happened? Never before did I drip sweat or get winded in a dance class. Nor did my thighs jiggle. I am like a beginner on so many levels, which is humbling, yet at the same time I am relishing it. I am not there to compete with anyone or try to impress anyone. I am there because of my love of dance and because it is amazing exercise.

I am so looking forward to the fall when there are more classes available. I can't wait to touch a ballet barre again and continue to caress the floor with my Golden Arches, which I still have, by the way, and, thank you very much, it was one of the first things that the 20-something-year-old teacher noticed about me.

I caught wind of an Eastern European folk dance class in Salem that is supposedly free. Anyone know anything about it? Anyone want to take it with me?

Running with scissors

Just a couple of things running with scissors through my mind tonight......

1) I keep thinking about 4th of July. I went to a low-key, family-friendly gathering at a very dear friend's house. I knew, or at least had previously met, everyone there. Except for one - K. Sweetest young man, a very doting husband and father, a vet who has done a couple of rounds in Iraq. "Where's K.?", we asked, whilst watching the downtown fireworks from my friends' balcony. My heart was broken and sickened with the response. "He is in the bathroom hiding out. The explosion of the fireworks sound just like I.E.D.s", answers his sister.

2) I HATE drugs (as in heroin, cocaine, meth, etc.).

There really is a lot more to say, but enough for now. My brain feels heavy and I need to sleep.